Senior Obituaries '24

Last week, Tess Halpern, Juliet Willems, Kacey Archer, Clara Foltz, and Makie Koizumi-Hachey were tragically killed in a coup of Senior Corner. The coup was sparked by the underclassmen, who were tired of living under the seniors' tyranny. Though the juniors remained publicly uninvolved, reports suggest that they may have been orchestrating everything and hoping to seize control of the highly coveted Senior Corner. During the last C&C, as Tess, Juliet, Kacey, Clara, and Makie were sitting in Senior Corner, forcing freshmen to feed them peeled grapes, the rebelling students mobilized a surprise attack. The senior Rambler staff members were unfortunately the first to be killed. To memorialize these key members of our community, we have compiled an obituary for each senior we lost. 

Juliet Willems

With the tragic loss of our creative director, the Rambler is scrambling to replace the irreplaceable, while also struggling to figure out what a creative director is. Every month we may have been guessing who was Vice and who was Virtue, but we never had to guess who edited the movie poster. Hint: it was Juliet. In truth we don’t know what we will do without Juliet’s contributions to Vice and Virtue (usually the only article I read), and her contributions to the Rambler. Juliet will be missed dearly, but her spirit will last forever in this community, and in the young writers she has shepherded through the writing center. But a little known fact about Juliet is that three years ago she successfully cloned herself, and that clone has been pretending to be a Bush student one year below Juliet ever since. So, it is safe to assume even though Juliet is gone, her plots will be carried out by her clone. 

Kacey Archer

After the death of Kacey Archer, thought-provoking writer and one of our most consistent copy editors, the Rambler is not the same. I remember looking at the titles of her articles and thinking, Wow. That is so interesting; I should read that. To be honest, I haven’t really read any, but the thought was there, as it was for many readers. Kacey gave the Rambler a good look, and made us seem like a legit smart newspaper. The Rambler will struggle to find another amazing writer who can make our newspaper look scholarly.  Hopefully we can find an intellectual junior capable of writing with the same sincerity, but the search will be difficult. So far we’ve had satirical lists and puzzles from our junior members, so it's not looking great. The point is, Kacey was a wonderful edition (pun?) to the Rambler, and her intriguing and intelligent articles will be missed. Not to mention that without her, sourcing new copy editors will be a pain. Also, we didn’t forget about the crossword puzzle she made that one issue. Appreciated 🙏

Makie Koizumi-Hachey 

I am saddened to say that the Rambler’s resident astrologer has been defeated in the recent senior corner coup. Although a virgo, Makie could not escape their fate. Makie provided monthly horoscopes so that we knew how to live our lives, and right now, my life is in shambles. I have no idea what to do this month, and I fear for the rest of the year. Many would argue that the horoscopes are the only thing people actually read in the Rambler. Even silly people that don’t believe in astrology read the horoscopes. The Rambler is beginning to worry that without published horoscopes people will refuse to take Ramblers when passed out, and the club will die. I’m not sure if it's a virgo thing, but this year's horoscopes have been scarily accurate. As someone who is not a virgo, I now trust them most with my monthly horoscope out of all other signs, so it seems that Makie is irreplaceable. The Rambler club will miss her enjoyable contributions and Pinterest-worthy style. I had to mention it somewhere because the fits were great. RIP.

Tess Halpern

The untimely death of the Rambler’s very own Editor, Tess Halpern, has plunged its staff into a deep melancholy. Tess’ demise was expected by none, lamented by all. No longer can they rely upon her sharp leadership to produce a quality Rambler issue each month. Tess will be sincerely missed for her heartwarming GroupMe messages, unparalleled grammatical prowess, and strong command of weekly Rambler meetings. 

With her death – and an adequate period of mourning – the Rambler staff is now forced to arrive at that fatal but inevitable question: What is next? The truth is that nobody knows. In fact, Teoman Champagne, now Editor In Chief of the Rambler, said the day after her death, “It feels like her death has created a black hole in the center of our newspaper. You just can’t fill a black hole.” It’s true. Rambler leadership is in pieces, and the black hole left by the late Tess Halpern might just consume the club in its entirety. In fact, during the Rambler’s most recent meeting, Teoman movingly recited Walt Whitman’s classic poem, “O Captain! My Captain!”, echoing the staff’s resounding sadness that Tess died just a couple months before the Rambler would print its final edition for this year. Everyone cried profusely. With the death of Tess, The Rambler staff has also realized that nobody else actually knows what grammar is. This is a serious problem for the club. During that same meeting staff resolved that all grammar checks moving forward will be conducted by ChatGPT. 

The issue in which this obituary is printed will be the first issue of the Rambler this year that has not been produced under the leadership of Tess. In her absence, the staff has worked tirelessly to make this issue as accurate and compelling as possible. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to email teoman.champagne@bush.edu or to come to one of the Rambler’s weekly meetings in Gracemont 107, Wednesday at 1:00 p.m. 

Clara Foltz

The Rambler’s loss of one Clara Foltz in this unfortunate (but necessary) coup means the end of not only her leadership role in every single club and extracurricular at Bush, like, ever, but also one of the Rambler’s most consistent pieces: the hallowed Vice and Virtue. As half of the monthly column, Clara brought witty synopses, groan-worthy puns, and fantastic graphic design skills (see: January’s V&V Velocipastor art). She is often heralded for her sage seniorly wisdom. This is especially true in her role as copy-editor, where her edits have saved newbie and tenured writers alike from misplaced commas, a fate worse than death in the gruesome grammatical landscape of the Rambler. Thank you, Clara, from all of us at the Rambler, and may Vice and Virtue live on in the hearts and minds of all Rambler readers (and at thebushrambler.com).