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Vice: Forget Stealing Christmas; This Movie Stole my Sanity
Hello team, and happy holiday season! Welcome to another glorious issue of V&V, your favorite monthly Rambler column. Today, we’re coming to you with a criminally well-known and entirely denominational Christmas film: How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000). This movie is art in all the wrong ways. It’s horrific. Let me tell you why.
First off, the Grinch himself is a hideous being. That’s just an objective truth. Why is he green? Why is he furry? Who’s to say. He looks like a middle schooler’s needle felting project gone wrong. Or perhaps a really messed up football mascot. Or perhaps what would happen if someone put Blaze the phoenix through a blender, dyed him green, and gave him problems. Does his truly horrendous visage add to the viewing experience in any meaningful way? No, no it does not. All his appearance does is defile our fond memory of a beautiful Christmas classic: How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966). That is a great movie. Please for your own sake, dear reader, go watch that movie instead.
It’s not just the Grinch that is incredibly weird-looking, though; the hairstyles of pretty much every Who in the movie are literally heinous. The main kid, Cindy Lou Who (I’m not joking, that is actually her name), looks like a helicopter for half the movie and no one bats an eye. Her hairstyle doubles her height. The mayor’s hair is also awful; his head looks like the top of an Ionic column from Ancient Greece. I don’t know what they were paying the hairstylists for this movie, but I think it was too much.
Also, all of the Whos are about as observant as a bunch of rocks. They keep saying, “Oh no you guys, we have to watch out for the Grinch, he’s so scary we can’t let him in here,” and then half of the movie is just the Grinch parading around Whoville in broad daylight. His “disguise” is also awful. How does no one know it’s him? He’s green and furry! A ratty brown cloak does not hide his horrible long furry green hands! It actually almost convinced me that the movie was about Halloween rather than Christmas, because that costume is a great impression of the Jawas from Star Wars. Or, Jawas if they were green. And furry. And gross.
There are also several other incredibly unrealistic plot points, such as when the Grinch advocates animal cruelty by forcing his tiny dog to drag a massive sled up a literal mountain, or when he steals some guy’s overalls and joins the Nordic ski team. I was extremely disappointed by the lack of rational thought that went into making this movie. I watched the whole thing with subtitles and still had no clue what was going on. It’s somehow more of a fever dream than Substance Bear (2023), and that’s saying something.
At one point, one of the tiny little pathetic people literally says “Oh, the Whomanity!”. This movie made me deeply uncomfortable for its entire 85 minute runtime. Horrible experience, would not partake again. Go watch the animated 1966 version instead. Save yourself. Happy holidays!
Virtue: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas and my Heart
Happy holidays Rambler readers, and welcome to this month’s super-special Virtue article. This article stars the one and only holiday classic: How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000). For those of you who are not aware of this unique masterpiece of a movie, it retells the story of the Grinch in live-action, with CGI that is distinctive and very original. Quite frankly, there is nothing like it. Let’s dive right in!
First of all, the movie is set inside a snowflake, in the lovely winter town of Whoville. Have you ever been to Leavenworth in the winter? It’s very similar, only if you multiplied the whimsicalness by 10 and then raised it to the power of 2. The Whos defy gravity by somehow falling up chutes that always end higher than they began (we should take notes for the green bins). Also, the entire town revolves around Christmas decor, as well as a Christmas tree that is bigger than Gracemont, Wissner, and USS stacked on top of each other. All Whos have wedding cake hairstyles that seem to exist outside of modern physics (one Who’s hair spelled out ‘ABC’) and their daily outfits have more glamor than the Bush School’s Halloween costume turn out. Whoville is an equally impressive and homey town.
On the outskirts of town, atop a mountain that is so steep and sharp it is quite impressive that anyone can get up there, the Grinch lives with his dog Max, the best character, in his own personal Batcave. His Grinchcave is about as cluttered as my room, which means that it’s very lived in and welcoming. He builds his furniture by taking materials from Whoville’s waste, which proves that he is a very eco-conscious and pro-recycling citizen. The Grinch and his environment is one that should be studied long into the future. And, reader, when I tell you that Jim Carrey put his entire Grinch self, fuzz and all, into this role, you must believe me. Carrey’s Grinch most definitely leaves an impact on the viewer.
Since I do not want to spoil this masterpiece of a movie, I will recount my favorite elements of the film in hopes to enlighten the public on this magnum opus. First, the creativity is outstanding. The cannon that shoots out Christmas lights to decorate houses at maximum speed? Engineering genius. Christmas tree lights that are powered by all the Whos standing in a circle and singing? Very impressive. As well as creating marvelous inventions, there is also a whole new vocabulary to be learned. Words such as wholibration, wholometers, and bumtumbled frequent the Whos’ dialect, and must be learned for those hoping to take the SAT or ACT in the future (this statement has not been confirmed by Bush College Counseling Department).
Another amazing element in How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) is the fact that children study laws and read the Whoville constitution. At the end of the movie, one young Who proposes an amendment. It is truly an inspiring feat, and a wonderful addition to the movie.
To recount, The Grinch (2000) with Jim Carrey provides a much needed outlook on a holiday classic. It tells a story of young love, self discovery, child involvement in the future, invention, and holiday magic, wrapped up with unique scenic design and CGI that definitely will not be seen or repeated again. Everyone should experience this movie at least once, and add it to their collection of holiday classics that they will return to year upon year.
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