Vice & Virtue: The Velocipastor

image credit: Juliet Willems

Virtue: The VelociPastor Saved My Marriage

Hey there, dear reader, and happy January! To kick off the new year, we’re coming to you today to review the criminally unknown, underrated, underground sensation that is The VelociPastor (2017). Yes, you read that right. The VelociPastor. There’s a priest who can turn into a velociraptor. What more could anyone possibly want? The answer is nothing. This film is the pinnacle of human creation. Please read on to understand why you too should partake in this experience.

The VelociPastor is the most epic and crucially relevant tragedy in film history. It tells the tale of Doug Jones, a Roman-Catholic priest who embarks on a spiritual journey of self-discovery after watching his parents die brutally and horrifically in a car accident. However, while on that sacred path to joy and serenity, misfortune befalls Doug again: in a shocking twist of fate, he receives a mysterious artifact that gives him the power to transform into a velociraptor. It also, unfortunately, puts a target on his back.

In the interest of preserving your viewing experience, I will do my best to refrain from spoiling any more of The VelociPastor’s beautifully crafted plot. Trust me, though: the film tells an intense and poignant tale of human suffering, joy, liberation, and also velociraptors. It is not just a piece of media; rather, it is a work of art that should be experienced deeply and truly in the depths of one’s soul. The VelociPastor changes lives every day. Let your life follow suit.

Aside from its cultural and spiritual value, The VelociPastor is also full of positive life lessons. For instance, strong female role models are central to the story. Carol, a woman Doug meets along his journey, intends to pursue careers in medicine, law, and perhaps also hunting down and attacking criminals. What a multi-talented woman in STEM! I’m so glad that the young girls of today can grow up knowing they, too, can pursue their dreams like the titular dinosaur priest of The VelociPastor pursues his prey.

After watching The VelociPastor, I realized that I don’t actually have to go to college, as the film taught me everything I could ever need to know about the true meaning of life. The VelociPastor is an incandescent triumph of cinematography, and has truly opened my eyes to the endless possibilities of what personal fulfillment can be. Is it a coincidence that Marvel movies have been steadily declining in quality since this film was released? I think not. Other franchises shudder at The VelociPastor’s raw power. It is, in fact, the greatest and most important film in the entire history of cinema.

The VelociPastor is absolutely worth viewing, and you, dear reader, should go and do so as soon as possible. It is coincidentally free to watch on YouTube. Just Google “The VelociPastor.” I promise you won’t regret it.

Vice: Dinosaurs are Extinct for a Reason

Dearest Readers of the Rambler, I am writing to inform you that I have just watched the most terrifying movie ever to be created. As I sat down this winter break, excited to enjoy a fun movie for the January Vice & Virtue, I was unknowingly about to go through the most devastating hardship I would ever face in my life. The VelociPastor (2017) is a movie of pure terror. 

Imagine this: you’re walking in a park at night, to get some fresh air, and then boom! In front of you is a priest slowly shapeshifting into a velociraptor. He begins attacking nearby civilians and proceeds to eat the face off of a passing man. Horrifying. 

The infamous VelociPastor, Doug Jones, terrorizes the people in his city by shifting into his dinosaur form whenever he gets hungry. Come on, Doug, there are obviously better solutions (although I do think some Bush students can relate to him in the commons line). He gained this power by scraping (?) his hand on an artifact (?) or something of the sort, but I was distracted watching because a real! Live! Dinosaur! Was attacking innocent citizens.

What’s even more terrifying is how realistic the CGI was. As Doug starts to turn into a dinosaur, his eyes glow green. Then, his right hand turns into a claw. Then his head shifts, and in front of the screen is a dinosaur. This dinosaur resembles the blow-up Halloween costume dinosaur so well that it is impossible to tell the difference. To think that those blow-up costumes could eat that many people! Terrifying.

Even worse, this movie is unrated. This means children could be watching a dinosaur eat people, fight people with swords, and see his parents explode in a car. What if the children are inspired to try to become dinosaurs on their own? What if they start to think dinosaurs are “cool” and the next time they run into one they don’t run away? Awful.

As for plot, this movie was like a fishnet (because there were so many holes, haha). Doug’s parents explode, so he goes to explore the world, and somehow goes hiking in the middle of nowhere and has a bleeding girl fall on him and give him an ancient relic. Strange coincidence! He then returns to the church and works with the other pastor, but at night starts shifting into a dinosaur and going out to eat people. How did the other pastor not notice a dinosaur in his house? How did Doug function on so little sleep? We may never know. 

Well, Doug eats people. Lots of people. Criminals, “bad guys”, you name it. He starts feeling guilty, but then a man walks into confession. This man coincidentally confesses to murdering Doug’s parents, which causes Doug to become a dinosaur AGAIN and rip through the confessional barrier to eat him alive. Terrifying, and very hard to believe.

During this time, Doug meets a girl who is very cool and “pre-med-law”, which doesn’t really make sense to me but seems like a cool degree to get at a liberal arts college. She helps him train to fight, but then ends up almost dying in most battles, which is heart-wrenching maybe one out of the three times it happens. 

Doug eats a lot of other people, and then finds the Big Bad Guy in charge of all the other Bad Guys. He then learns that the Big Bad Guy is actually another pastor he worked with, so he then abandons the pastor part of VelociPastor and vows to fight against the church (as a full velociraptor). What a brilliant plot.

To finish this review—which is way too much to read about this movie, by the way—VelociPastor (2017) is a terrifying horror movie that is filled with plot holes. It is scary, confusing, and mind-numbingly stupid. VelociPastor is truly a feat of stupidity. Reader, please don’t spend any time on this movie. It has changed my brain chemistry, but not in a good way.